I apologize for the delay in posting this recap of the season — and possibly series — finale. In the interest of getting right to the discussion, I’ll try to keep this short ‘n’ to the point. But I’ll probably fail.

Short version: It was kickass, y’all!

Longer version:

Sarah’s back in an orange jumpsuit and behind bars, apparently thanks to the Fed who worked Savannah’s case last week. John and Cam are holed up in a nearby hotel and he’s wondering if Cam’s shielded nuclear power source is the cause of Sarah’s might-have-it-but-then-again-might-not cancer. The Terminator who tried to nab Savannah last week is plucking bullets out of his skinsuit.

John-Henry is playing D&D with Mr. Murch and totally cheating by rolling D-20’s. That’s not the only odd thing about J-H, whose personality seems a bit altered. Murch thinks that the new wire they plugged into him during a minor repair affected his “soul,” and that any change to his hardware or software changes J-H’s very essence. The Weaver-1000 looks concerned.

Ellison tries to convince Sarah in prison that he didn’t rat her out, but she’s not buying, since he’s lied his god-fearing tongue off on too many other occasions. All the while, John-Henry is watching Sarah in her cell via a tap into the prison’s monitoring system. Ellison also meets with the other agent, who really wants to find John, but Sarah insists her son is dead and Ellison doesn’t disabuse him of this. The other agent mentions that Sarah has asked to talk to a priest.

It turns out the priest she called is Father Bonillo, who witnessed part of Cameron’s freak-out earlier this season. Sarah uses what he saw to convince him to help her get a message to John and Cam.

Ellison isn’t happy to find out that Weaver-1000 and J-H are watching Sarah in jail. Weaver waves off his concerns and says she wants to meet John Connor, in order to thank him for saving Savannah. Yeah, right. Weaver tells Ellison that she knows John’s gal pal Cam is a cyborg, and that she knows Ellison knows, and that he’d better not lie to her ever again. Ellison reluctantly agrees to try and arrange a meeting between Weaver and John.

The other Terminator, meanwhile, is off buying silencers for his guns. That is not A Good Thing.

John is brooding over mom being in jail and possibly having cancer. Then he gets a call from Father Bonillo, whom we see giving the Hispanic girl from Sarah’s old contact’s house a message. Later, she turns up at John and Cam’s hotel room with passports and the message from Sarah: leave this place as soon as it is safe and don’t try to break her out of prison. Really. Has Sarah met John?

Cam peeks out the window and spots Ellison lurking in his car. She hauls him into the hotel room, where he again tries to convince John he had nothing to do with Sarah’s bust. He tries to set up a meeting between Weaver and John, who turns him down. Ellison asks Cam, on behalf of Weaver, “Will you join us?” and Cam immediately tells Ellison not to say another word. Okay, so I guess the speculation that Weaver is the same T-1000 from the Future Sub is confirmed.

The other agent, whose name I never caught so I’ll just call him Agent Other, gives Sarah a song and dance about believing in cyborgs, time travel, Tinkerbell…whatever Sarah’s ever spewed, he’s in. She doesn’t buy it for a minute and continues to insist that John is dead and gone. Agent Other leaves her cell, with a parting shot of info that Danny Dyson, Miles Dyson’s son, has been missing for three months.

The other Terminator (yeah, no name for him, either), comes to Zeira Corp’s garage and confronts the Weaver-1000. He shoots her full of holes, which she immediately heals, much to his chagrin (expressed by cocking his head slightly to the side). Weaver then awesomely executes him by spearing him with one arm and sticking her other arm into a  high voltage box.

Weaver brings his chip to John-Henry, who says that it was programmed to burn up as soon as it hit the air. She asks J-H to retrieve any data possible. Ellison shows up and Weaver is disappointed to hear John turned down her meeting.

Then comes the weirdest, sexiest scene of human-Terminator penetration in the history of ever. No, John and Cam don’t do the Forbidden Dance, but she does strip down to her bare, perfect torso in his bedroom and lie down on his bed. She tells John to get on top of her and hands him a knife, which she directs him to use to cut into her breastplate to check her nuclear power shielding for damage. He reaches into her chest and finds the node, which is cold, indicating all is well. He hovers over her, their faces inches apart and it looks like they are in the middle of extreme naughtiness. John’s looking very turned on by the whole thing and, in a way, so does Cam, and it is all very Strange and Disturbing. Then Cam spoils the mood by saying it’s time for them to go.

Go where? Why, to do the exact opposite of what Sarah ordered and break her out of jail, of course. Father Bonillo is sent ahead to warn Sarah that Cam’s on her way, and sure enough, she pulls the ol’ Terminator standby of breaking Sarah out of whatever hospital/prison she happens to be in at the time. Cam is careful to shoot around the humans, despite the fact that they riddle her with bullets. John-Henry watches it all and decides to help out by disabling all the locks in the prison. Much fleeing ensues.

The Weaver-1000 watches the break-out with John-Henry. Cam gets Sarah out to John and they drive off. Sarah scolds him and he tells her to ground him. Hee. Cam is not looking too good — one red eye is out — but Sarah takes her to off John-Henry anyway while she and John finally come face-to-face with Weaver.

John tells Sarah that Cameron thinks she’s sick. Sarah doesn’t confirm or deny, and then they are met by Ellison and taken to Weaver. John tells Sarah he loves her and she gets all melty inside. Awwwwww. But, not so melty that she doesn’t lie to Ellison that Cam is waiting out in the car and totally not going down to the basement to take John-Henry apart.

However, when Cam finally confronts J-H, he tells her he knows her and she replies that she knows him. He then asks, “Will you join us?”

The Connors finally meet with the Weaver-1000, who tell John she knows about Skynet and that Cam is in the basement going after J-H as they speak. In the background, we see a small dot that quickly comes close enough to see that it is a Skynet hunter drone. Uh-ohs.  It comes busting right into Weaver’s office and she tells the Connors and Ellison to get down. Then she goes all liquid metal and shields them from the ensuing blast and it is, once again, most awesome.  John, Ellison, and Sarah split while the Weaver-1000 reforms.

More extreme weirdness: Weaver’s pet eel, blown out of its tank, writhes on the floor for a moment…before TURNING INTO LIQUID METAL AND JOINING WITH WEAVER’S LEG. WTF is that about?!?! Why would she have a pet…her? Or part of her?

Weaver leads the Connors and Ellison to the basement to save “her” John, whom she insists is necessary for Sarah’s John to save the world. When they get there, Cam is sitting in J-H’s chair, chipless and thus lifeless. She apparently gave J-H her chip so he could become mobile and escape. Cam left behind a message that repeats on J-H’s screen: I’m sorry, John. Aw, see, she does care, somewhere deep in her electrodes. John spies Andy Goode’s Turk and Sarah accuses Weaver of building Skynet, which she denies, claiming that she’s building the anti-Skynet. And don’t call her a bitch, bitch.

Weaver invites Ellison to join her in retrieving John-Henry from the future. He says hells no, so she tells him to pick Savannah up from gymnastics. Such a good metal mommy. John can’t bear to lose his Terminator sister/BFF/favorite gadget and so joins Weaver in the electric blue bubble of time travel. Sarah bails on accompanying them, telling John instead that she will “stop it.”

Then bam! We’re back to the future. Naked John finds a jacket lying handily nearby, while naked Weaver forms appropriate clothes and…okay, I’ve got to call them out on this.  We’ve already seen that Weaver’s clothes are extensions of her, not separate articles of clothing. We know this because we just saw her close up bullet holes in them, meaning they are a part of her veneer. So why would they disappear during time travel like real articles of clothing? If she made it through, then her “clothes” did, too.

Okay, I’m done picking that nit. On to the mind-bending conclusion. Soldiers with dogs come into the warehouse where Weaver and John appeared. John finds himself alone when they confront him — ‘they’ being some random human and good ol’ Uncle Derek! Now 100% less dead! So cool…that ignominious death last week couldn’t be the last of BAG, I just knew it. However, Uncle Derek doesn’t know who John is…in fact, he’s never heard of any John Connor. Well, of course not — John just launched himself right over Judgement Day, so he’s not leading any Resistance anywhere.

Then, even more mind-blowing, Lucky Spencer…er, sorry, Kyle Reese strides in and stares at the boy who looks so much like him wearing his coat. Then, just to jack it all up to eleven, Kyle’s followed by a smiling Cameron! Who is  totally not Cam, of course, but Allison, the human on whom Cameron is based. We can tell this because she pets the guard dog and he doesn’t flip out, as animals do around Terminators. John boggles his way into the closing credits.

If this is the end of the series, I’m gonna terminate Fox.