Note to self: When in Thailand, stay hydrated. Poor Margie. Luke looked so scared. I wonder if there is someone in production who can sign. What would happen if Margie were unable to translate for Luke? There must be someone, right? Anyway. On to the episode.

Last night was one of those crazy Amazing Race episodes where a team falls so far behind, you know they have no chance. And then, near the end, a team like Mark & Michael make a colossal screw-up and you still have hope for your team. And then your team loses anyway. Oh, Amazing Race, why do you play with my heart?

All of the teams traveled to Phuket, Thailand this week. Their first task was to locate a statue of a gorilla, with only a photo to guide them. Everyone ran around like chickens with their heads cut off, but eventually everyone ended up heading in the right direction — the zoo. Everyone, that is, except for Mel & Mike’s cab driver, who told them the statue was at the beach. Because, you know, of the famous Thailand Beach-Dwelling Gorilla. Or something. This was an error from which Mel & Mike would not recover, unfortunately. In our house, we were screaming at the television, “SECOND OPINION! SECOND OPINION!” And then when they got (a correct) one, they said “no!” ARRRRGGGH!

So everyone went to the zoo and got their pictures taken with a tiger. I hate zoos, this is no secret. So when I saw that the tiger trainer — who posed the tiger by jamming a wooden stick against its throat — only had one arm, I laughed my ass off. Next, teams had to lie on the ground while a trained elephant stepped over them. I would have been scared shitless. I’m the person who’s always convinced trained animals are one sneeze away from going completely Siegfried & Roy. Everyone enjoyed themselves, though, and nobody died.

(Interesting to see that during this episode, Jaime commented on how rude Cara is to the locals. Or Cara commented on how rude Jaime is to the locals. I literally don’t know which is which. I also don’t know which one is Mark or Michael, or which one is Kisha or Jen.)

Teams then had to travel to an herb shop, where they would choose one drawer from 99 to receive their next clue. Jaime & Cara arrived first, but karma kicked in and four teams got their clue ahead of them. HA HA! The clue took the teams to a Detour — 100 Barrels or Two Miles. In Barrels, teams had to fill up 47 barrels with drinking water for a fishing boat, and move 53 barrels up from the deck. In Two Miles, teams had to choose a rickshaw and pull each other two miles to a local park.

Mark & Michael chose Two Miles, and needed to use a supplied air pump to fix their tire. Then MarkMichael “hid” the rest of the pumps to trick the other teams. I thought it was sneaky, but not illegal, as the pumps were still in sight. I was wrong. Then they asked their taxi driver to lead them to the park. Cut to Tammy & Victor, at the start of Two Miles, reading the instructions stating that teams couldn’t ask anyone to lead them. D’oh! However, they did have their driver draw them a map and agree to meet them at the park later. Smart racing, that.

Mark & Michael arrived at the Mat in first place, with a giant lead, and then Phil hit them with the bad news that they had broken two rules. The bike pump thing and being led by their cab driver, two penalties at 30 minutes each — an entire hour. WHOA. This is where we thought Mel & Mike might just make it after all. Margie & Luke and Jaime & Cara also chose the rickshaw task. Kisha & Jen and Mel & Mike chose the 100 Barrels task. At this point, Mel & Mike actually saw Kisha & Jen at the boats, so we knew they weren’t as far behind as we originally thought.

As Mark & Michael sat in the penalty box feeling (rightly) like big fucking idiots, Tammy & Victor cruised to another first place finish. Next came Jaime & Cara. Margie & Luke were still working on the rickshaw task, where for the first time we saw that Luke’s deafness could be a liability. Because Margie couldn’t communicate with him as he pulled the rickshaw, Margie ended up having to do it herself. She ended up dehydrated, and we saw the warning signs in the cab when she mentioned that she was cold. As they arrived on the mat, Phil checked them in, and Margie collapsed into his arms.

(Um, is it wrong that I was a teeny weeny bit jealous? Just for a second. Nevermind.)

After Margie received medical attention, Mark & Michael were finally able to check in. And the race for last place became Mel & Mike versus Kisha & Jen. The girls arrived on the mat ahead of Mel & Mike, who were eliminated. SAD FACE!!!

Order of Finish:

1. Tammy & Victor
2. Jaime & Cara
3. Mark & Michael
4. Margie & Luke
5. Kisha & Jen
6. Mel & Mike (ELIMINATED)