Survivor returned last night in a 2-hour HD double episode. The first order of business was for everyone to introduce themselves and state their line of work. Crystal, the Olympic gold medal winner, told everyone she was a preschool teacher, which turned out to be a good idea considering she was the last one to finish the first challenge.

Our tribes this season are Fang and Kota. Under the umbrella of Africans’ respect for their elders, Jeff split up the two oldest Survivors so that they were on opposite teams. They chose their first teammates, who chose the next, etc. Fang chose…really freaking poorly. They lost the first challenge by a huge margin, Gillian and Crystal being the last to climb the hill, and only succeeding with the help of some of the guys on their team pushing them up. Crystal blamed her difficulty on the fact that she was wearing 10lbs worth of running shoes. Now, obviously climbing this hill required some very different skills than what Crystal usually employs in her athletics and I totally get that, but why on earth is a track and field star wearing cement blocks for running shoes?

Michelle was the last person chosen for Fang but was the first girl up the hill. This fact might have helped the team see that she was a valuable player but Michelle apparently shares a brain with Courtney from Survivor: China and all she did was complain about how stupid everyone was, how cold it was, how bony and skinny she was so it hurt when she slept…oh! And how utterly stupid everyone was. She and Ken, the resident video game champion, enjoyed talking about how they were much smarter than everyone else while Ken fantasized about having a rewarding sexual relationship with Michelle.

Unfortunately, that relationship never got off the ground because of this recurring theme:

At tribal council, Michelle thought it would be a good idea to rip on everyone’s performance, starting with Ken but really cutting into GC. The tribe had already discussed getting rid of her based on her negativity and I think that if anyone disagreed initially, they were certainly on board now. Jeff then brought the discussion over to the tribe being without a leader. GC accidentally said he’d be willing to do it if everyone else wanted him to, so Jeff appointed him king. GC was not pleased with the appointment and I seriously thought he was going to cry.

After Michelle’s eviction the tribe went home and GC almost immediately crumbled under the pressure of leadership. This tribe sucks…no one wants to do anything, no one wants to lead, no one wants to do what the leader asks. GC tried half-heartedly to delegate responsibility but without any real support. The next morning at dawn, Gillian expressed her annoyance at him for waking her up and that was the final straw, so he quit. And no one wanted to take his place. And the tribe continued to suck ass.

Over at Kota things were very different. Bob happily accepted his leadership role, assisted by Ace who apparently rubbed some people the wrong way. Palomo, most notably (I know it’s Paloma, but when Charlie mispronounced it earlier it cracked me up and I don’t like her, so that’s her new name), who giggled and made fun of Ace every chance she got. Palomo thinks yoga is teh gayz.

Charlie, who actually is teh gayz, fell immediately and wholeheartedly in love with Marcus. Not surprising, since Marcus is Georgia’s hottest and most eligible bachelor. Marcus is not, however, gay, so he told us that he most likely will not be entering into a romance with Charlie. That made me laugh. Charlie could not stop waxing poetic to Marcus about his feelings, and Marcus took everything in stride. Then they discussed letting others into their special alliance of two, like Jacqui and Corinne, and so Marcus’ Onion Alliance was born.

Another day, another challenge. Guess who won?

This time at least Fang did a much better job and came very close. This time they came back to camp feeling a bit better about themselves. Randy (who I never want to see in his underpants again) fashioned a fish hook from his glasses, so GC and Ken caught a few little fish and this really brought spirits up. They still needed to go to tribal council and get rid of someone.

They considered getting rid of Dan the Lawyer because he was sent off to Exile Island and when he came back, they thought he was acting a little bit weird. What they don’t realize is that Dan simply is a little bit weird, and he was just ashamed at being unable to decipher the clue for the immunity idol. Crystal was certain that Dan must be smart and crafty because he is a LAWYER! I couldn’t help but snort. In the end it was age before beauty and Gillian was voted out.