The One Where Big Brother Slaps Me in the Face
Friday, July 10, 2009 at 08:51am by freakgirl
Well, well, well. The 11th season of Big Brother kicked off last night. I enjoyed the show right up until the end of the HOH competition, and then I left the room to go insert hot pokers into my eyes and ears because ARE YOU FRAKKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT. Anyhoo, let’s get into things after the jump.
I like to do my first recap by discussing first impressions of the new cast members.
This is Braden. The geekboy keeps walking around saying in a deep, flat voice: “Hey. Mah name is BRADEN.” I cannot get over his hair. It…angers me.
Say hello to Casey. I wanted to like Casey because he’s my age and he’s a teacher. But he raps, you guys, and I just can’t sign up for that.
Chima vexes me. She is young, yet her forehead appears to be stretched as tight as a drum. She also has a lot of hair. The geekboy thinks she has “an unfortunate face.” Other than her physical attributes, I didn’t get any feel for her personality.
Jeff set off my DOUCHE alarm.
Jordan. Who? Exactly.
Loved Kevin from the beginning. His comment about Natalie being 25 if she was a day cracked me up. However, I will proceed with caution. The hilariously catty gay guy on BB historically devolves into an insufferable drama queen. Fight the stereotype, you blagayasian!
NO.
First impressions of Lydia are positive. I like her ink, she has a cool job and would be the person I’d probably drift to first were I in the house. However, for some reason she completely reminds me of the mom from The Wonder Years and it’s totally distracting.
Michele is adorable and looks like my doctor. Loved that she told everyone she was a research assistant rather than a Ph.D. I am afraid she may fall for one of the guys, though, and do something dumb. Wasn’t she making gooey eyes at Jeff or something?
Natalie is 24 but told everyone she is 18. I don’t know why she thinks that will work for her. She won’t be able to drink (although maybe she doesn’t anyway) but eventually the truth will come out and she’ll look like a dummy.
Oh, Ronnie. You are too excited. Please calm yourself and play a smart game.
Russell is a meathead. I hate meatheads.
And speaking of my hatred of meatheads, may I present our 13th castmember:
(image courtesy of badbon on the CBS boards)
HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN? WHAT KIND OF A JUST GOD WOULD PUT JESSIE BACK IN MY LIFE? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Sigh. So yeah. The 12 houseguests played an HOH competition, except none of them would win HOH. The clique that won HOH would get an extra member — someone from a past season. For Brains, we had Brian and I was so excited!!! Stupid eggheads, couldn’t handle the wedgies. Although Chima did well. The Populars would have gotten cute little Jessica from the America’s Player season (is she still with Eric?). The Outcasts (or whatever they’re being called) were offered Cowboy, which made me snort wine through my nose. God, that would have been wonderful. He was GOLD, people. And then, the Athletes and stupid goddamn Jessie and the Athletes won the competition because it was, oh, I don’t know, REQUIRED STAMINA, and now Jessie is in the house and my entire summer is ruined.
I’m just hoping that the houseguests are smart enough to realize that he doesn’t deserve a second chance. Also, Jessie was terrible at challenges. So he may only serve to be a detriment to his team. Hoping to see him gone QUICKLY. This week is going to be torture, with him as HOH.
Anyhoo. Chenbot is looking gloriously pregnant and I’d love to hear the Fug Girls’ take on that half-dress, half-exotic-bird thing she was wearing last night.
Share your thoughts in the comments!
1. Papercuts! said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 9:04 am )
“NO.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Exactly. Exactly.
And yeah, why why why is it Jessie the pinhead? Why? And his noms (I won’t spoil anything, I promise) make me really really sad.
2. Lisa said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 9:06 am )
As I texted last night, HATE. Dude, we are two peas in a pod; I had the EXACT SAME reaction to every single player, without exception.
3. freakgirl said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 9:06 am )
Good reminder:
NO SPOILERS! If you need to post something spoilery, use the spoiler tags as illustrated under the “Preview” and “Post” buttons.
Purely speculative, my guess is that Jessie will put up people from the Brains alliance because intelligence gives him the scareds.
4. freakgirl said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 9:07 am )
I didn’t get your text. Who did you text HATE to? ha ha ha!
5. Lisa said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 9:08 am )
I had the same impressions except for the whole Wonder Years thing. But now that you mention it …
6. Lisa said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 9:09 am )
OOPS! I thought I sent it to you. Maybe I sent it to my boss by “accident.”
7. Nicci J said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 11:35 am )
Ahhahhahhaa, Im with you on wanting Brian back… but knowing it’s King Douche, and he’ll be HoH… well, that just made sure I won’t watch for at least a week. Uck!
8. Danielle said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 11:47 am )
Your thoughts on the houseguests were mine exactly, except I kind of like that Casey raps and I am interested to see Jessie back in the house only because I have never seen someone go through withdrawal from steroids live on TV before.
9. LisaB said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 1:18 pm )
I had the same thought when Natalie said she was 18. At LEAST say you’re 21, so you can drink in the house. Then I had to pause a moment and re-evaluate my priorities.
Freakin Jessie…yuck.
10. Maggie said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 2:14 pm )
“NO”’s teeth are ginormous! She can barely open her mouth enough so that the upper teeth clear an opening. How will she eat?
I agree with “unfortunate” as a description of Chima. Maybe when she tones down the makeup she’ll look more humanoid.
Perhaps the two meatheads will come up with an idea so inane that their heads will explode. We can only hope.
11. freakgirl said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 2:40 pm )
There are so many things wrong with NO that I can’t even start. Her teeth — are they real? Are they caps gone wrong? And the boobs, oh my god with the boobs.
12. Papercuts! said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 4:14 pm )
B-Side said it best when he described NO as “Mr. Ed with two beach balls glued to his chest.” B-Side = WIN.
13. freakgirl said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 4:20 pm )
Julie’s having a boy!
http://celebrity-babies.com/20.....-is-a-boy/
14. yogagirl said ( Friday, July 10, 2009 at 11:12 pm )
I prayed and prayed for Brian and then I said, What’s good tv? Son of a…..jessie is. As much as I hate him and as much as I try and not watch this show when they screw with me, Im hooked……
But for the record, I hate him :0 But I’m thrilled for a new season. Love the tattoo girl, but mostly, like freakgirl, I’d gravitate towards her
15. Lake said ( Monday, July 13, 2009 at 1:21 pm )
I had to laugh at myself for gasping aloud and saying “she DOES!!” when i read your comment about Lydia! Do you think Casey could be lying about his age, too? There is no way he is the same age as we are…
16. freakgirl said ( Monday, July 13, 2009 at 1:30 pm )
I dunno, I can see him being 40. The CBS website has him listed at that age. It also has Natalie listed as her real age, so unless Casey also lied to CBS, I reckon he’s the age he says he is.
17. Lake said ( Monday, July 13, 2009 at 2:26 pm )
Well then, we must just look really good for our age then! : )