You Can’t Teach an Old Cow New Parables
Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 03:21am by MaggieThis is the screamiest season! Okay, I’m just going to sum most of this up so we can get to the good parts. Libra and Keesha think April’s a bitch, April thinks Libra’s a bitch. Jerry thinks Dan’s a Judas. Ollie is a half-wit and thinks whatever April thinks. Michelle thinks Libra orchestrated Jessie’s eviction. Keesha lets Michelle think this and is happy she’s not the main target. Jerry postulates that Dan is actually America’s Player, thereby making him a scumbag, which directly contradicts his earlier statement that being America’s Player would be the only thing to excuse Dan’s betrayal.
Later on, Dan wants to have some fun so he and Memphis decide to scare the women to death by busting in on them while they sleep and beating them with pillows. They scream, Renny shrieks, everyone laughs. I weep because Jessie is not there to analogize about the disrespectful and not well-rationalized waking-up of a 100% natural bodybuilder.
Veto competition. Jerry is playing and this worries Dan, who knows that Jerry is gunning for him. The game is appalling. The backyard is full of onions and “smells like an armpit.” The guests need to chop or dice onions and then carry them to the other side of the yard in a little container carried right under their faces and transfer them through a teeny hole into a much larger container. The guest with the most onions by weight wins the PoV. Alternatively, they can choose to put some of their onions in another box dedicated to winning a mystery prize.
Okay. Libra thinks it’s good strategy to shove large pieces into her box (thatswhatshesaid) because big pieces weigh more than little ones. Ollie notices this and thinks it’s genius. Personally, I think that the holes in the boxes are so small it would be much faster to stuff them with finely diced onions, but what do I know, I don’t have a PhD in either holes OR onions, wah wah.
Memphis wins the mystery prize with April coming in second. He chooses the oh-so VERY wrong envelope and winds up having to wear an onion necklace for the next 24 hours. April gets the other envelope: 5 designer outfits. April feels she is most deserving of this prize and expresses she loves how jealous the other girls must be.
Even though Libra didn’t put ANY of her onions in the prize box and spent the entire 45 minutes feeding her Veto box, she still lost the Veto to Jerry by almost 5 pounds’ worth of onions. Dan is now peeing his pants because he’s scared Jerry is going to use it. Jerry goes to the DR and tries to speak in parable about his win but accidentally calls himself an old cow.
Jerry talks to Michelle about his PoV and announces he won it for Jessie. Whatever. He also says he wants to use it to get some revenge, but Michelle doesn’t seem keen. She says it’s his power, his decision.
Now the houseguests get to have their feast! They are all very excited because they’ve been on slop, so they dig in and pour lots of wine. Keesha suggests everyone say something nice to each other so that they can better enjoy the event, and some of them actually manage to do just that (Memphis, Renny, Dan). Some do not (Jerry). Keesha tries to be nice to April and then jokes about borrowing one of her prize outfits. Libra jokes that this is the only reason Keesha is being nice. After dinner Michelle is upstairs with Keesha, April and Memphis and, just for fun, tells them what Libra said. It’s at this point we get an idea of just how drunk everyone is. Keesha gets angry, Libra comes upstairs and assures them she was just kidding. Memphis quietly excuses himself just as WWIII erupts and the screaming and crying starts. The rest of the house is in the kitchen eating, I’m assuming, as much dessert as they can before Big Brother takes their feast away and they’re back on slop. They can hear the fight from down there.
Finally Keesha gets fed up and runs out of the room and Michelle follows her out, trying to find out why she’s so upset. Keesha starts ranting about hating April, that the house is making her nuts, and that she “can’t play the middleman between Crazy (Libra) and Crazier (April).” She tries to convince Michelle that April is the real enemy and Michelle looks like she might be listening.
Veto Ceremony. Jerry is wearing civilian clothing so who knows what he will say. Both Keesha and Libra stick together in their speeches, saying that they accept responsibility for sending Jessie home and tell Jerry they don’t expect him to use the Veto on them. Jerry feels like talking, so he goes on yet again about how Dan is Judas. Does this mean Jerry fancies himself to be Jesus in this analogy? Libra reacts to the word “Judas” in such a way that I think she’s stunned Jerry would say such a thing. Memphis shakes his head. Dan, for the millionth time this episode, totally keeps his cool and doesn’t react to Jerry’s assery. After all that, Jerry says it’s Dan’s lucky day and puts the Veto away.
Whew. I’m not ready for Dan to go home yet!
1. freakgirl said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 6:38 am )
I was getting nervous for poor old Dan. Is it me, or are his Diary Rooms getting even louder? I bet if you stand outside the door, you can hear him.
Jerry is so classy, walking around giving everyone the finger.
Memphis cracked me up last night, with his comment, “Give people some liquid courage and they go completely crazy,” or something like that. I enjoy his and Dan’s bemusement.
2. Papercuts! said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 8:53 am )
It’s good to know I’m not alone in thinking that Dan is shouting in the DR! Holy cow, the producer in there with him must be hard of hearing or something.
I also dug Memphis’ exasperated “Well, I’m going to bed.” Right when he saw what was about to break loose in HOH.
On the feeds late last week, Big Brother told most of the houseguests that they are the fightingest season ever and that they need to keep the fighting up. When the HOH fight broke out, BB called Renny to the DR and told her to go gather up all the steak knives and bring them in there! How awesome is that!
3. GeekBoy said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 9:08 am )
I believe Memphis used the phrase “apeshit crazy”. Heh.
Papercuts, I actually find that kind of annoying, if BB is encouraging them to fight. Not that I have any delusions about the show being “real” or anything. But it’s a shame the producers have to be so blatant about it, and remove all pretense of reality. If you’re going to start giving them verbal direction, then why not just hire actors and give them scripts?
4. Papercuts! said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 9:26 am )
I completely agree with you GB. I’ve had this problem since last summer when the producers were meddling with anything remotely associated with the Donatos (My “how awesome is that” comment was directed at the producers removing the steak knives from the house, btw. Was it the second season with the “would you die for me” knife to the throat incident? )
I think the biggest problem inside the house right now (aside from Libra) is the fact that April and Keesha are so completely jealous of one another they just can’t deal with it. I think when one of them is gone (and Libra, too) things will calm down.
5. freakgirl said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 10:03 am )
Papercuts, yeah, that was the second season with that guy Justin (?) and Krista. Remember how much those people drank? I think that’s when Big Brother started rationing their alcohol. Krista responded by chugging NyQuil and, later, getting engaged to Mike Boogie. Those events are probably related.
These people would never resort to stabbing each other. They’re all too prissy. Krista, though? She would have cut a bitch.
April is fucking crazy. The geekboy kept rewinding so we could look at her maniacal, dead-eyed smile.
6. freakgirl said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 10:15 am )
7. freakgirl said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 10:43 am )
Also? Interesting:
http://www.realityblurred.com/.....om_footage
8. Joanne said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 11:03 am )
I don’t really see the problem between Keesha and April as jealousy, even though that’s what Crazy April says it is. I think Keesha seems to have a problem with what she sees as April being a fake person. I wonder if it’s just because they’re women that it’s seen as jealousy? I don’t see the problem between Jerry and Dan as being jealousy, or Memphis and Jessie.
That Jerry is a straight up fool. Every time he refers to himself as grandpa, I cringe, thinking of my grandparents.
9. GeekBoy said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 11:04 am )
Re: April … It looks like her chin is trying to escape from her face.
Re: Michelle … I only listened to the first part (of what Freakgirl linked to), but other than her confusing “Judas” with “Judaism”, she actually came off sounding much smarter and more observant than I expected. They’re really editing her on the show to sound like more of an idiot. And I like her theory that maybe Jerry believed POV included deciding who gets put on the block in the vetoee’s place.
10. freakgirl said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 11:50 am )
I think the reason ANYONE on this show fights — man or woman — is because of jealousy. Jealousy over who’s more popular, jealousy over who’s getting more air time, jealousy over who has more power and jealousy over who’s doing better in the game.
Re: Jerry — yeah, I also got the feeling last night that he thought he could nominate anyone he wanted if he used the Veto. What a maroon.
11. Michael said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 1:11 pm )
My TiVo opted out of recording this episode. Capricious!
I’m kind of thankful after reading this, because it really bums me out when old people are dumb assholes. What were they doing all that time?
12. Maggie said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 1:30 pm )
I didn’t get that feeling about Jerry thinking he could nominate whomever he wanted. I just thought he assumed that Michelle would do what he wanted her to do. I bet that if he had used the Veto and if she nominated someone other than Dan, he’d start calling her Judas too. He’s an idiot.
13. Maggie said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 1:34 pm )
Oh, and Michael, I think your Tivo didn’t record for the same reason our pvr ALMOST didn’t record for us – it was coded as being a repeat. Jeremy checked it before we went out and noticed it was marked to skip, and the info for the episode said it was #13, which was Sunday’s episode.
14. GeekBoy said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 1:36 pm )
In the span of a month, Jerry has gone from the grandfather that all the kids like, because he gives them candy and tells them funny old timey stories, to the grandfather that everybody has to apologize for, because he just shat on the middle of the living room rug again for the third time this week.
15. Papercuts! said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 2:20 pm )
OMG I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. That thousand-yard stare was the final clue!
April is the sister or daughter of Ann Coulter!
Don’t tell Dan!
16. GeekBoy said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 3:22 pm )
“She’s my daughter.” (SLAP!) “She’s my sister.” (SLAP!) “She’s my daughter.” (SLAP!) “My sister! My daughter!” (SLAP! SLAP!) “She’s my sister AND my daughter!!!”
17. Michael said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 3:23 pm )
Ann Coulter pics should always be preceded by a disclaimer.
Now I don’t feel safe here anymore.
18. J said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 3:29 pm )
I was confused by Jerry’s comments/lack of sanity in this episode. Early on he said something about it being nice that the other side was sweating it for a change, with Libra and Keesha both being on the block. Since he gravitates towards whoever is in power from week to week when has he ever sweated anything? Has he even been nominated? Then later, when he wanted Dan on the block as a replacement nominee, he said that it would be nice to put Dan up so he could spend the week sweating it out and see what it felt like for Jerry the week before. What did that even mean? Is he even living in the same house as everyone else? I think that whatever has been lodged in his throat this entire summer is starting to cut off the flow of oxygen to his brain.
19. Lisa said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 4:41 pm )
Papercuts!, I’m sure that Ms. Coulter (devil!) and April share a few chromosomes with Rielle Hunter as well.
http://tinyurl.com/68ee4o
20. freakgirl said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 4:58 pm )
INBREEDING.
21. Maggie said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 6:18 pm )
I didn’t think it was possible for a photo to make it look like April has colour in her face. And for the record, that Ann Coulter pic is too big. I’m uncomfortable looking at it; I’m scared I will turn to stone or be flipped inside out or something.
J, I’m in total agreement with you. I noticed his bizarre comments but the one that surprised me the most was when he told Michelle he won the PoV FOR Jessie. As though he and Jessie were BFF and he’s on this crusade against Dan to honour his friend, when the truth is simply that he’s pissed because Dan tricked him.
22. freakgirl said ( Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 6:23 pm )
Maggie, I used Auto Levels on the April screencap in Photoshop. Obviously the software felt April needed assistance with pigment.
…when the truth is simply that he’s pissed because Dan tricked him.
EXACTLY!!!
23. J said ( Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 5:16 pm )
Maggie, I forgot about him saying that. That was odd. I’m ready for him to leave. At least the other crazies are somewhat entertaining, he’s just annoying. I feel like he’s more upset because he likes to be in total control, and Dan’s actions caught him by surprise. He told Dan what to do and how to vote, but Dan never really promised him anything. Jerry just came off looking like a fool because he assumed Dan would follow his orders and then he went around announcing that Jessie was safe. Like when he told April and Ollie that they were to start referring to Dan as Judas just because he told them to. His behavior seems to be getting more and more odd. Maybe it’s the way they’re editing things but I feel like he’s completely unaware that they’re all playing a game and trying to win the money. Angie said it best when she tried to tell them that one person is going to win the money, not one alliance.
24. Maggie said ( Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 5:36 pm )
Very true! Only I don’t think his behaviour is getting odd, I just think his nature is becoming apparent as we get to know him. He’s an old man who is set in his ways, who thinks he automatically deserves everyone’s undying loyalty. I don’t know if that’s because he’s old or because he’s a military man, or because his family defers to him. Also, he’s making the same mistake so many people make in these elimination-type reality gameshows – he’s lost sight of the fact that EVERYONE wants to win…the people there are NOT there in order to help HIM win. That, and he’s an asshat to boot.
25. freakgirl said ( Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 7:41 pm )
I don’t want to disparage anyone’s military service, but he was in the Marines for around four years, forever ago. He was a sales manager for 38 years. He acts like he’s a career military guy. And the houseguests call him Colonel, which HE IS NOT. I don’t know why that bugs me, but there you go.
I think it’s funny that Jerry was touted as having seen every episode of Big Brother since the beginning, and bragged of having a “foolproof strategy.” What is that strategy, exactly? Although he’s still there…perhaps it’s working.
26. Maggie said ( Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 7:57 pm )
That’s kind of funny. I just went and read his profile. He was discharged in 1954!