Sing my subtitle to the tune of Rock Lobster and it’ll make much more sense. Kara declared Adam a rock god on show night and all bowed before him. Simon Cowell has already proclaimed him the winner of Idol in the press. So…why are we bothering to watch anymore?

Anyhoo, we’re down to the Final Four Cylons and so the results show should be five minutes long. However, the need to stretch to an hour enables us to enjoy four performances tonight, including one from our very own Paula Abdul, former shoulda-won Chris Daughtry, and No Doubt. More on these below.

First off, the results show kicked off big by having Slash perform “School’s Out” and I wish they’d've left the Idolators singalong out of it, ’cause I just wanted to hear Slash. I mean, he’s arguably one of the greatest rock guitarists in the history of ever, people. As good as a couple of these singers are, they’re just interference over his playing.

Our first visit with the wannabes, Ryan just chats them up about having made it this far, ain’t it cool, blah-blah. They talk to Adam about getting his (not) Led Zeppelin (anymore) song and then make fun of Danny for his insane yowl at the end of his song, “Dream On.” Danny himself found it hilarious on playback. It really was indescribable. You have to go to YouTube and watch if you missed it. But come back here when you’re done, m’kay?

Paula Abdul performs…well, sorta. I mean, she clearly lip synchs, despite the oh-so-subtle use of one of those portable mikes that wraps in front of the “singer’s” mouth and keeping her face mostly concealed by smoke effects and shadows. That said, she dances her broken-neck-having little near-50-year-old bod all over that stage and there ain’t no faking that. I mean, she actually flips around and does some shit I couldn’t do if I were 20 and you shot my ass with a Taser. Woman can mooooooooooove.

Results? Nope, not yet. Next up is No Doubt — yes, the whole group, not just Gwen Stefani. Gwen definitely does NOT lip synch, which she proves repeatedly by sounding half out-of-breath from her spastic bouncing and by yelling Idol-specific shout-outs. Gwen also performs random push-ups. Why? I don’t know. Her form’s pretty good, though. Apparently they’re on to promote an upcoming tour they’re taking, not because they have anything new to perform, but because Gwen is sick of having babies. Really. She pretty much tells Ryan that. Real nice.

The poor Four are finally called center stage — no preliminary Bottom X tonight. We start with Allison, who sang, “Crybaby” by Janis Joplin and sounded kinda sorta like her, which ain’t bad. Danny sang, “Dream On” and Aerosmith has no-o-othing to worry about from him. Adam sang, “Whole Lotta Love” by whoever Led Zeppelin stole it from and awesome,great,godlike, blah-blah. Kris sang, “Come Together” in a fun and funky way, although Kara and Simon were less than impressed.

Ryan sends Kris to the Seats of Security, though he stresses that he is calling people in no particular order. Kris still looks like he shit a brick when he’s the first into the Top Three. Aw, still Mr. Humble. Simon may not like it, but I think it’s cute.

And…Daughtry’s turn. He’s still kind of bitter for getting kicked off waaaaaay too soon his year (hence the invention of the judge’s save), but as the best revenge is living well, I’d say he’s defnitely avenged himself all over America’s ass. They sing something rocky-country-bluesy off their new album and it’s quite good. Chris gets a ginormous plaque commemorating 5 million in record sales for the first album and it’s handed to him by this year’s Kris, and it’s all very fillery.

Finally, the rest of the results. Adam’s the next into the Top 3. Duh. Then it’s down to Danny and Allison and if you’re me, you think the decision is obvious after Danny screeched out a lung on that last note of Dream On, but no. It’s poor, unpopular, yet talented Allison who is packing her pink hair dye and headed off the show. She gives a final, teary-eyed rendition of Crybaby — seems like it was an appropriate song choice now — and that’s it. Too bad, I thought she might nab second place behind Adam. Because we already know the winner is Adam. Simon told us so, and he’s never been wrong before.

Just ask Chris Daughtry.