Hey, all. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to make this one a combo post, to save time. Let me know if you strongly object to this mash-up, and I’ll let you know if I care.

So the theme for the first real show of the season was Michael Jackson songs. No pressure there. Just because nearly all his songs are iconic and so firmly associated with his performance style, doesn’t mean it will be impossible to avoid the dreaded “karaoke” judgement for Top 13ers, right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

We got two OMGWTFBBQ pronouncements between performance night and results night. The first was that two of the Top would be voted off – pretty much negating the previous OMGWTFBBQ proclamation that there would be a Top 13 instead of a Top 12, ’cause we’re still down to 11 on schedule. Whatevs.

The second proclamation that will change the show forever is that the judges received a new superpower: they can “save” someone who doesn’t get through on America’s vote that they deem should go forward. They can only use this superpower once, for one person, the entire season. Basically, it’s the “we fucking lost Daughtrey and Hudson and the other talented people who should’ve won their seasons but totally didn’t because Americans are dunderheads so we’ll just totally negate their vote and save the standout we annointed.” Or, the condensed version: “The Adam Lambert Safety Net.” ‘Cause you know that’s who they’re gonna save it for.

Anyway, I shall again skip the BS filler from both nights like Ford advertisements and shmoopy home movies of the contestants. My only filler comment is for the star performances. Kanye West: I was impressed that he got Blade and a Klingon female to serve as his backup singers. And Kelly Clarkson looks like success is wearing her down, hard and fast.

Here’s who performed what and how they faired on Results night:

Michael Sarver: Sang “You are Not Alone.” The judges found it “passionate” and he does the quick stand-up/sit down of success.

Allison Iraheta: Tore it up with “Give Into Me.” More of the same, “how can a 16-year-old be so amazing” praise from the judges. She, too, is safety-safe-safe.

Jasmine Murray: Sang “I’ll Be There,” which was just fine with all of the judges except Simon, who found it too old-fashioned for his taste. I thought she sounded pretty solid, so it’s kind of a surprise when Ryan sends her down to center stage to await her potential dismissal.

While Jazz bastes under the spotlight, Matt Giraud is called to his feet. He not only gets up but starts heading right down to the stage and has to be hilariously intercepted by his fellow Top 13ers, because he may not be in danger. His song was “Human Nature,” and he performed it with his piano very, very nicely, earning himself a comparison to Justin Timberlake (I guess that’s a good thing). His funny-hat-wearing hinder is safe.

Kris Allen sang “Do You Remember the Time” in a cool and different take, avec guitar, that the judges approved. He is left standing in place as Megan Corkrey is called to her feet. Now, Megan sang “Rockin’ Robin,” which a) I didn’t realize was a Jackson 5 song, and b) she sang accompanied by dreadful chicken dancing and a damned-near sarcastic tone throughout. Not suprisingly, Kris is told to sit and Megan is sent center stage to stand next to Jasmine.

And…Megan is safe to Chicken Dance another day and cute little Jasmine is going home. UNLESS the judges save her. In hopes of which they make her sing again. Now, come on, this is just mean – they’re basically going to break these peoples’ hearts, make them sing through the pain, then stomp on their little pieces of heart as they lie crumbled on the floor. Which is exactly what happens: Jasmine is told that the judges will not be saving her and she is left weeping. At least Ryan grows enough momentary compassion to whisper nice things to her afterward.

By the way, this season’s “buh-bye” song? Is some awful, elevator-music massacre of “Home Sweet Home.” Do. Not. Approve.

Scott MacIntyre’s turn: He sang something I never heard before, “Keep the Faith,” while playing the piano. The gals were a-okay with it, but Simon and Randy thought he needed more “spark” in his performance. Doesn’t matter – he’s safe.

Alexis Grace is up next. She sang “Dirty Diana” dressed like a tiny little streetwalker, and her vocals were kind of “meh” overall, but she sure does bring the slinky. Simon found it over the top, but the rest of the judges liked her naughty vibe. So did America – safe!

Danny Gokey, who is looking more and more like Seth Rogen to me, sang a rockin’ version of “PYT” accompanied by hilariously spazztastic dancing that made Paula rock out of her mock-ostrich outfit. He’s very safe, indeed.

Anoop Desai sang, “Beat It,” and I thought it was kind of fun, but the judges hay-ay-ayted it – even Paula, who earned her own rare boos from the audience for dissing the Anoop Dog. He’s down to center stage to await his doom.

Adam Lambert is called to his feet. He sang a really original version of “Black and White” that made Paula cream her lace panties and even the rest of the judges’ eyes rolled back a little, in a happy sort of way. Mr. “In a League of His Own” is unshockingly safe.

Jorge Nunez sang, “Never Can Say Goodbye” in an achingly corny way that, even though his voice sounded nice enough, was just cringeworthy to observe. He’s told to stand right there as Lil Rounds is told to stand. She sang “The Way You’re Making Me Feel” wearing some hideous one-shouldered poof shirt and white Mom jeans. The judges thought she set the bar pretty high, except for Simon, who wasn’t overly impressed by performance or awful wardrobe. No surprises here, though: Lil sits down and Jorge joins Anoop center stage.

Ryan then condemns them both to wait through commercials AND Kelly Clarkson’s performance. When the moment of truth finally arrives, it is Anoop who is safe and Jorge who is headed home. Bye, Jorge – your name isn’t Adam, so you’re totally not getting saved by the judges. Indeed, Simon says, “No,” with a look of such contempt that he burnt a hole through my screen. And that’s it for this week.

By the way, did I mention Gordon Ramsey in the audience during the performances? Gordon Ramsey was in the audience during the performances. He said something no one could hear because he wasn’t miked. Nice cross-promotion there, Fox. Genius. Pppphhhhtttt.