Hi-ho. It’s the Greater Czarina again and for some crazy reason, I agreed to recap American Idol for the first time on Too Much Free Time. Yes, I’ve watched every. Single. Season. And yes, it’s getting increasingly self\flagellating to do so. So, I’m going to share the pain with all of you. You’re welcome.

Anyway, last week the first group vying for the Top Twelve performed and overall, they blew the group performing this week out of the water. Thank Dog, one of the most irritating females to ever make it this far on the show, Tatiana, was voted off in a spectacular display of poor sportsmanship and tear-smeared mascara.

This week, it’s a lot tougher to find three worthy of going through to the Top Twelve. I’ll keep this recap of the performances (fairly) short ‘n’ sweet and leave out all the endless, mind-numbing filler like wee Ryan Seacrest vamping and yammering between songs. Again, you’re welcome.

Jasmine Murray – “Not Gonna Write You a Love Song.” It’s…average. Randy bitches about “pitchiness,” which is his most favoritest critique. Kara, aka Other Paula, says it was all over the place. Original Recipe Paula agrees with Randy and Kara, and Simon expresses disappointment that a girl who looks like she should be a pop star doesn’t have the voice to match. They all agree it was a bad song choice in general. We hear that a lot tonight.

Matt Giraud – “If I Ruled the World.” Oy, but does he massacre that tune. Kara is not blown away, to understate the matter. Paula says he did far better than in rehearsal, which is damning with faint praise. Simon cuts right to it and says it was verging on horrible. Randy agrees with Simon. They all think he should stick with blues-y songs, assuming he’s given the chance to stick around.

Jeanine Vailes – “I Won’t Say Goodbye Anymore.” She’s wearing very wee shorts and singing like she’d rather be napping. Paula says she has great legs. You should know that when Paula opens with a compliment about your physicality, it’s her way of saying your voice sucks lemons. Paula turns to Simon so she doesn’t have to actually say that and he lays into Jeanine, telling her it was terrible, but yes, her legs are hot. Randy agrees about the hot legs, adding nothing to the proceedings. Kara tells her the song was completely overdone. Simon thinks she blew her chance, and so do I.

Nick Mitchell/”Norman Gentle” – “I Am Telling You, I Ain’t Going.” Okay, if you haven’t been watching, I have to try to explain this dude. He’s a complete joke, but an intentional one. Does it work? Well, if you like caricature performances of flamboyant gay lounge singers…yeah, I guess so. If not, then he’s your worst nightmare come to life and wearing rainbow lam?. The judges crack up throughout the performance. Simon says he prays that Nick doesn’t go through to the final twelve and was atrocious, but he has a big grin on his face the whole time. Randy says it was an entertaining performance and Kara notes that at least they always remember him. Paula babbles on about this being America, and our singers come in all forms, and yadda-yadda, there’s probably a place for him out there. Somewhere. Far, far away from this show.

Allison Iraheta – This chick talks to Ryan before singing and sounds like she’s been licking lead paint since she was in the crib. Really, there seems to be a connection missing between her brain and her mouth. But, girl can sing. She belts out Heart’s “Alone” – an ambitious choice – and actually pulls it off. Randy heartily approves, saying she “blew it out the box.” Kara says Allison is serious and doesn’t even realize how great she is. Paula thinks she can sing the telephone book and is by far the best they’ve heard tonight. And Simon? Heartily agrees she’s the best so far by a mile. Not bad for a 16-year-old with mush-mouth and violently pink-red hair.

Kris Allen – “Man in the Mirror.” Kara thought the end was much better than the beginning, but none of it was as good as his Hollywood week performances. Paula disagrees completely with her clone and says she thinks he nailed the song and was charming. Simon agrees with…Original Recipe Paula. Wow, really? He thinks the chicks will love Kris, even if he’s may not be the best of the boys. Randy says Simon’s partially right and that he thought Kris did a nice job.

Megan Joy Corkrey – “Let Your Hair Down.” This girl is sickening beautiful, but she has a half-sleeve of ink on only one arm that makes it look like someone cut off her arm and replaced it with some biker chick’s stolen limb. Paula says she picked the right song, looks fantastic, and did everything right. Simon snarks, “Did you like her?” He thinks she looks gorgeous, too, but that she oversang the last part of the song. He hopes she makes it through. Randy agrees with Simon that the vocals could have been better, but he wants to hear more from her. Kara says she’s a package who just needs the right song to break out and succeed on the radio.

Matt Breitzke – “The Way She Loves Me.” Simon says he really likes the big, bald guy, but absolutely hated the song. He thought the performance was uncomfortable and that he blew it with that song choice. Matt says he disagrees. That won’t help you, dude. Randy says he likes him and thinks he’s cool…but. Kara agrees it fell flat and Paula is right there with her; good voice, poor song choice.

Jesse Langseth – “Betty Davis Eyes.” She actually sounds a lot like Kim Carnes, which ain’t a common thing, but manages not to make it into a karaoke copycat performance. Randy thought it was okay, but didn’t blow him away. Jesse wants clarification as to what he means when he says he wants to see more from her and Randy actually gives her an answer – a rarity from these judges. Kara says this is her best look – uh, oh – but that she had issues with some of the notes. Jesse will not stop yakking back to the judges, going on about the great drum pad in the song. Ugh, just shut up and listen, Red. Paula thinks she’s cool and has unique phrasing, even though it may not have been the best song choice. Simon says he disagrees with Paula and thinks Jesse’s forgettable, performance and all, and is too cool for school.

Krazy Kurls Kai Kalama – “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?” Eh, nothing special here. He’s good looking and sounds fine, but there is zero challenge in this song. Kara says she really likes him, but he had pitch issues and the song was too old-fashioned. Paula says he sounded good except when he didn’t, which is profound. Simon says that the performance was old-fashioned, corny, and better suited to a hotel lounge. Nothing memorable at all and he’d be a good backup singer. Randy agrees that it was way too safe and not what he was looking for.

Mishavonna Henson – “Drops of Jupiter.” I want this girl to stick around, just because her name lends itself to a million Yiddish jokes. Mishegosse (“nonsense “to you non-Jews out there), “Mishuggeneh” (crazy), etc. Paula says it wouldn’t have been her choice for Mish, ‘cause it just wasn’t exciting. Simon says she’s very serious and technically good, but the performance left him cold. Paula tries to make a joke that it’s the drops of Jupiter making him cold and the wee joke totally flies over his buzzcut. Randy says it sounded too old for her and it was too much of a band song. Kara says she didn’t mind the song but that Mish needs to loosen the hell up so they can pigeonhole her more easily.

Adam Lambert – “Satisfaction.” Talk about leaving the best for last. This guy looks like a Jonas Brother if he got smacked with a hot stick. He rocks out, putting his own spin on this classic and works the stage like he’s been performing since he was six. Oh, wait, he has been – he’s been in shows since he was a little kid. I smell another ringer, folks. Anyway, Paula’s on her feet and applauding. She tongue-bathes Adam in compliments – his phrasing, his choices, his every-damned-thing – perfection. Simon says he found parts excruciating, but others that were brilliant. He thinks Adam will get through and, no duh. Randy unequivocally loved it and compares Adam to everyone from Fall-Out Boy to Robert Pattinson of Twilight (um, why? He’s not painted in white sparkle paint and eyeliner). Kara is impressed by his vocal range

And that’s it for tonight. Tomorrow night – the results!