• Brendon & Meow Meow up were up for eviction
• Brendon won Veto; Matt put up
• Double-eviction night!
• Good-bye, Matt! (who dropped an awesome Baba-Booey reference during his interview with ChenBot)
• Hayden HOH
• Brendon & Ragan up for eviction
• Good-bye, Brendon!
• Lane HOH
• Pandora’s Box
• Lane wins $91
• Ragan & Brendon up for eviction
• Penguin suit

Last night was just plain fun. Someone in Britney’s family has a hysterical sense of humour and sent along the world’s BEST worst pageant photo ever, for display in Britney’s HOH room. Love. Also loved Lane’s reaction to being compared to Britney’s fiance, which I’m sure stemmed more from the fact that he wants to BE her fiance.

Lane turned it on completely in the diary room and in the backyard when he unleashed his inner BEAST HE DON’T GET THAT NAME FOR NOTHING YOU SEE IT YOU ACT IT YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY MOM, BAR? and totally pressed 1,983,234 lbs. Wow.

Mensa is starting to realize the Bruh-gayed is after him and begins having dreams of shirtless Hayden visiting his parents. Britney said she’d dreamed about him and goes, “Why is he trying to be in our family?” Mensa was disturbed at Hayden’s dream shirtlessness, but dude, HE NEVER WEARS A SHIRT. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make you gay to dream of a shirtless man, Matt, but maybe they don’t teach that at MENSA.

Strategy-wise, I don’t know really know what Britney’s doing. Brendon is, at this point, the man to take to the end. He cannot win, everyone hates him, it’s stupid to get rid of him now. I would have liked to see Hayden and the Meow Meow on the block, but Britney nomnommed Brendon and Meow Meow instead.

I love that Matt is holding those pretzels in this picture. Hilarious.

So, last night Matt & Lane were on the block. The consensus was that Matt would be voted out. BUT WAIT! Matt had the Diamond PoV that he got from Pandora’s Box two weeks ago. He saved himself, nominated Kathy to take his place, and the entire house was completely GIDDY. Britney in particular was hilarious. I have a feeling they’ll be sorry Matt stuck around, though. He’s going to screw them all.

On Wednesday night’s show, Brendan opened Pandora’s Box also and won a trip out of the house for 24 hours. Big Brother insinuated he’d be visiting Rachel, so it was pretty effing hilarious when Rachel appeared in the house right after Brendan was whisked out of it. She came in screaming at everyone and ended up in a fight with Ragan where he finally pointed out to her that the reason she was in the house was because she was PUNISHMENT, and she completely deflated right in front of us. It was kind of awesome, especially after she had just made a snotty remark about his homosexuality.

So, Kathy was evicted and I kinda felt bad for her. It all happened so fast! And then we had the HoH competition and Enzo actually almost won. It was his best performance ever, heh, made more fun by the fact that Julie Chen kept yelling at him. But the victor this week was Britney. Should be fun…

I gotta say, I love when an underdog emerges victorious, even if I hate her or him.

So I laughed my ass off when Brendon won HOH this week. That competition looked brutal, and listening to him randomly talk to himself and yell Rachel’s name into the ether really cracked me up. The looks of complete horror on Britney’s and Ragan’s faces when he won was priceless. And then Britney’s Diary Room confession that she’d rather fall down the spiral staircase and break her neck than have to go look at Brendon’s  HOH room. HA!

So Brendon put up Lane and Ragan for eviction. I imagine Matt will use his Diamond POV to take Lane off the block…who do you think he’ll put up instead? And apparently there’s another Pandora’s Box coming. Who wants to bet that Brendon will get to see Rachel? I could puke.

Brenchal’s stupid plan was to make himself seem like the bad guy so that he would get voted out instead of Rachel, who truly deserves to win the game. Only he had trouble doing that because every time Rachel would fail at friendship (she needs counselling from Snooki to learn how to get friends back) he’d storm in and act the angry dad. Britney, Regan and Kathy have been calling him a neanderthal, which he didn’t like, but DID know how to pronouce. But it doesn’t matter how smart you are or how well you correct the pronunciation of the insults being thrown at you, it’s all trumped anyway by a tiny blond walking like a neanderthal to prove her point. Oh excuse me, that’s Neander-Tall. (Which is totally true, but at that moment? Who cares?)

Then our Saboteur Ragan stirred things up a bit more when he announced that this weeks’ vote could be moot because there’s no guarantee that whomever is leaving won’t come back. Rachel yelled, “Ohhhhhhhh!” But then she trailed off and I realized she has no idea what sound came out of her mouth. After the Saboteur’s announcement (which may or may not be true), Rachel and Brendon camped out in a private room and laughed because they figured the rest of the house was stewing.

Which they might have been, except for the fact that they think Rachel is the saboteur and I don’t see any way this vote is going to come out in her favour, even if Brendon starts really acting like a neanderthal.

So! Candice brings us interesting but unsurprising news. Candice and her mom enjoy drinking copious glasses of wine while they watch BB, wincing at how Brendon is a total dramatic pussy, same as he ever was. “Yes, take a drink!” exclaims relieved Mom of Candice. “We really dodged a bullet there, didn’t we, Family! Whew.”

Also, Candice is Team Rachel, which made me laugh. But is she Team Edward or Jacob? THAT is the important question (barf).

Final speeches were equally embarrassing…Rachal screamed about true love while Brenchal compared himself to the witches in Salem who were burned for being themselves. Um, they weren’t burned because they actually WERE witches just trying to be themselves, hanging out on the strip, doing their fancy magic tricks and scaring babies. No, these were ordinary women victimized by mass hysteria and religious extremism. Close enough, right? Sigh.

Rachel just couldn’t re-friend the houseguests in time to get them to keep her, so it was unanimous. I can’t wait to see if Brendon will return as a man of science, or as a wounded Boo just trying to care for his woman.

During the interview Rachel kept repeating that the houseguests were afraid of her. Julie then hinted that there may be a way to see the BB House again. Hmm…Enjoy the jury house a la Britney: Wooo! Tequilaaaaaaaaa! Gag.

The HoH competition didn’t end with the show, so we don’t find out who that is until Sunday. Or you can just google it.

I love you guys! Call me! Jeff, you can stay for free at my house during your trip around the world!

So last week we got to see the rest of the stupid paint can endurance HOH competition, which was boring. I knew Brendon wasn’t going to last long because the competition did not adjust for height, so the shorties had the better chance of winning since they didn’t need to strain so much in order to remain in position.

Right at the beginning, Kathy made a deal with everyone and no one, that she would jump off first and take the hit for the team. I laughed at the reactions of the rest of the guests…literally no one could figure out what she thought she was doing. Since then I’ve noticed that Kathy isn’t as stupid as she looks or sounds, but is right now relying on the fact that she’s the “nice person” who cares more about everyone else. She jumped off, being the only have-not for the week, and whether or not it worked, she did not get nominated for eviction.

That honour was reserved for Brenchal (gag), which Mensa, experiencing his second HOH win, decided to do, undoubtedly because his stupid Brigade was pissed at him for not doing it last time and pretending he had a grand plan when HEY REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU WERE ON TV AND EVERYTHING YOU SAID AND DID WAS RECORDED? Yeah, me too. What a social genius you are. Go do some math. And then Ragan made a really bad Stevie Wonder blind joke. Ragan, NO.

Mensa, in his HOH alone, sees the Pandora’s box crap and I have no idea what the hell that was about, except that Mensa went for it, got the DIAMOND Power of Veto and then decided to lie to the household SO BADLY about what he got and that something bad would descend upon the house. No one believed that all he won was a dollar.

Ragan was called to the diary room in order to receive his invitation to become the next Saboteur, which he totally did. Then he flipped out and got defensive in the cabana room because he felt uncomfortable at being allowed to stay and overhear a conversation. I have no idea what the real reason of the fight was, but Brendon came to see what was going on. Later, Ragan was telling the Brigade what had happened, which started an argument between him and Brendon, who then was summoned back to the cabana room to talk with Mensa and Rachel.

Next we got to see the houseguests assembled in the living room where they were told about the new Saboteur. I don’t know HOW she figured it out, but Rachel asked, “So, you think that someone amongst us right now knows?” Oh you poor dear. Someone amongst you right now IS. Head hurty.

Yesterday, we watched Rachel wander around the house angrily, sure that Kathy is paying her dirty-ass looks, pissed that Brendon thinks everything is about him (when in reality, I have never seen another man bend over backward so consistently, so often, to make everything about HER), chopping broccoli onions as though she was hoping to chop of her own finger. “My spirit is broken!” WHO CARES.

Big Brother set up a small 5-pin type of bowling lane, which everyone assumed was training for the upcoming Veto comp. Rachel ran away crying, then she and Brendon got back out there and practiced until 4 am to a Terminator-reminscent soundtrack. Rachel ended up pretty confident. “Damn!” “Bam!” SHUT UP.

Jeff and Jordan came to the house to host the Lover’s Lane bowling game, get it, because it’s a LANE and they are in LOVE and whatever. BUT! Jeff and Jordan! I want to marry them Big Love style (without the Heavenly Father part). Mensa greets Jordan as “Jordo.” Really? He should kiss her foot. She is BB royalty, IMO. But that’s neither here nor there. In any case, Jeff and Jordan continue to be abundantly charming, even though Brendon tried to kill them by throwing a ball down the lane like a crazy person, just because he sucks embarrassingly at this game.

As the game continued, Britney emerged the champion, in a final score of knocking down all of the pins required. Yay! I love her. She and Kathy cheered, as they did when Kathy beat Rachel during their heat. In fact, cheering for one’s self turned out to be a really good way to snap Rachel like a twig. After the comp she ran around upset because Kathy CHEERED when Rachel LOST! It’s mean! It’s not nice! It’s rubbing Rachel’s face in it! Kathy refused to be upset and apologize for beating Rachel. In the HOH room, Britney told Kathy “If you apologize to her I will slap you in the face.” Ha, EXACTLY. Then Ragan, who was also with them, brought up Rachel’s previous chant of “Floaters get a life vest!” when SHE won HoH last week. Downstairs in the kitchen, Hayden opened up his teeny butthole mouth and said the exact same things to Rachel’s face. Good times all around.

Saboteur time! The houseguests gathered as the Saboteur Ragan blurted, “Brendon has been throwing competitions behind your back, blah blah la la la.” Rachel, smugly replete with love, was unphased and laughed about how stupid it all was. But we know that when Rachel is offering a sincere reaction, the rest of the house assumes she doth protest too much. So they decided it all meant that Rachel was the Saboteur, trying to save herself.

At the veto meeting, Rachel offered her $5K prize for the veto. Brendon, ever the world’s biggest pussy, tried (and failed) to pull off an Andrew-style speech in which he alienated himself from Rachel, acted like a jerk, and then demanded the veto. It was…laughable. At best. But did it work?

Britney didn’t use the veto, as she honestly and frankly told Rachel beforehand. So now what will happen? I cannot wait for one of them to leave so the other one can stop being Schmoopy.

I watched Wednesday and Thursday’s Big Brother back-to-back, so this will cover them both.

First off, I hope Britney never leaves. Her commentary about Brendan’s hosting of the Veto Competition was classic. “Brendan. You are a homo sapien, NOT A WIZARD.” I died. Obviously Brendan has big plans for himself, post-Big Brother. He wants to be a star, ya’ll! First, though, he’ll have to crawl out of Rachel’s ass.

Speaking of Rachel, Britney and Ragan wearing her hair extensions and making fun of her in her own HoH room? THE BEST.

So, Brit-Brit won the Veto, sort of told Hayden she’d use it on him, and then didn’t. Hayden and Kristen (who ended up with a unitard and wig this week) spent the next few days mourning their impending separation. It was kind of sad, until we found out that Kristen has a boyfriend at home. Who is none too pleased, and Kristen’s friends didn’t seem all that thrilled with her, either. Enjoy your return home, whore!

Kristen was evicted from the house in her unitard, keeping up the tradition of people being voted out in costume. Ha!

The HoH competition kicked off at the end of the episode as an endurance competition.

Well, Kristen sure woke up, didn’t she?

Gotta love Kaptain Kosher for setting that into motion. Rachel is on an HOH powertrip from hell and wants to take Kristen down. She says it’s because Kristen is gunning for her AND HER MAN, but we all know that she just doesn’t want a competing showmance in the house.

My favorite part of this episode was actually Meow Meow and all the others telling us how they hated having to pretend they gave a shit about Rachel’s HOH room. Good times.

After a very sad appearance/plug by Will Ferrell and Marky Mark, Rachel made her noms and shocked nobody by putting up Hayden and Kristen. Also, Kathy remained useless.