So. What is there to say? Well, show night went well. Adam sang, “Mad World” again, which was a good choice since the Idiots In Charge cut it off the first telecast. Then he sang something bluesy by Sam Cook and topped it off with Kara’s very meh official winner’s song. He made ‘em all sound great, although that last one was a bit strained (and hey, Freddie Mercury couldn’t have rocked Kara’s tune, trust me).

Meanwhile, Kris reprised, “Ain’t No Sunshine” at the piano, strummed “What’s Going On?” on the guitar, and went with just his voice on Kara’s tune. He sounded best on the first tune, was out of his element on the second, and totally blew Kara’s, because the register was Right Out of his range. And the winner seemed clear, as it had for the past umpteen weeks.

But…no.

Results night was a bloated two hour extravaganza of some pretty darn cool performers. I mean, where else would you have The Black Eyed Peas, Kiss, the surviving members of Queen, Cindy Lauper, Rod Steward, Jason Mraz, and so many other greats of the past and present perform on the same night? The Top 13 idols performed alone and with some of these greats, most notably Allison Iraheta doing “Time After Time” with Cindy Lauper and Adam out-Gene Simmonsing Gene Simmons with Kiss. A-fucking-mazing, overall.

Then came the final moments of the show and the grand announcement that, after a vote from apparently every man, woman, and stray dog in America…Kris Allen won.  Um, he what now? No, he didn’t. I’m sorry, but even Kris looked stunned and said, “But…Adam. Right exactly here.”

I don’t get it. I mean, in the end, it matters not one whit. There are a lot more success stories from this show about the runners up (Jennifer Hudson, Jordin Sparks, Clay Aiken, and Chris Daughtry) than about the actual winners (Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood). But on pure principle, this was a completely bullshit outcome.

Anyway, feel free to debate in the comments. Like Seacrest, I am…out!

Three guys. Two songs each. One goes home.

The three are Danny “my poor dead wife” Gokey, Kris “personality of lint” Allen, and Adam “just give me the damned title already” Lambert.

They each perform two songs – one assigned by a judge, the other their own choice. No one screwed up either the assigned or chosen tunes this year. However, Simon thought Kara royally screwed up in her choice for Kris. This is the same Simon who later molested Paula before the horrified gazes of Danny and Ryan.  It was quite a night.

And one was sent home Wednesday night. Not surprisingly, it wasn’t Adam. Somewhat surprisingly, it was Danny. I guess that scream heard ’round the world couldn’t be ignored by America for one more week.

So, there you have it. The Top Two are Adam and Kris. Next up: the two-night season finale, absolutely guaranteed to be made of mostly filler and crap. Make sure you set those TiVOs and DVRs to run about an hour late…they’re bound to push the results to the final seconds and beyond.

Anyhoo, we’re down to the Final Four Cylons and so the results show should be five minutes long. However, the need to stretch to an hour enables us to enjoy four performances tonight, including one from our very own Paula Abdul, former shoulda-won Chris Daughtry, and No Doubt. More on these below.

First off, the results show kicked off big by having Slash perform “School’s Out” and I wish they’d've left the Idolators singalong out of it, ’cause I just wanted to hear Slash. I mean, he’s arguably one of the greatest rock guitarists in the history of ever, people. As good as a couple of these singers are, they’re just interference over his playing.

Our first visit with the wannabes, Ryan just chats them up about having made it this far, ain’t it cool, blah-blah. They talk to Adam about getting his (not) Led Zeppelin (anymore) song and then make fun of Danny for his insane yowl at the end of his song, “Dream On.” Danny himself found it hilarious on playback. It really was indescribable. You have to go to YouTube and watch if you missed it. But come back here when you’re done, m’kay?

Paula Abdul performs…well, sorta. I mean, she clearly lip synchs, despite the oh-so-subtle use of one of those portable mikes that wraps in front of the “singer’s” mouth and keeping her face mostly concealed by smoke effects and shadows. That said, she dances her broken-neck-having little near-50-year-old bod all over that stage and there ain’t no faking that. I mean, she actually flips around and does some shit I couldn’t do if I were 20 and you shot my ass with a Taser. Woman can mooooooooooove.

Results? Nope, not yet. Next up is No Doubt — yes, the whole group, not just Gwen Stefani. Gwen definitely does NOT lip synch, which she proves repeatedly by sounding half out-of-breath from her spastic bouncing and by yelling Idol-specific shout-outs. Gwen also performs random push-ups. Why? I don’t know. Her form’s pretty good, though. Apparently they’re on to promote an upcoming tour they’re taking, not because they have anything new to perform, but because Gwen is sick of having babies. Really. She pretty much tells Ryan that. Real nice.

The poor Four are finally called center stage — no preliminary Bottom X tonight. We start with Allison, who sang, “Crybaby” by Janis Joplin and sounded kinda sorta like her, which ain’t bad. Danny sang, “Dream On” and Aerosmith has no-o-othing to worry about from him. Adam sang, “Whole Lotta Love” by whoever Led Zeppelin stole it from and awesome,great,godlike, blah-blah. Kris sang, “Come Together” in a fun and funky way, although Kara and Simon were less than impressed.

Ryan sends Kris to the Seats of Security, though he stresses that he is calling people in no particular order. Kris still looks like he shit a brick when he’s the first into the Top Three. Aw, still Mr. Humble. Simon may not like it, but I think it’s cute.

And…Daughtry’s turn. He’s still kind of bitter for getting kicked off waaaaaay too soon his year (hence the invention of the judge’s save), but as the best revenge is living well, I’d say he’s defnitely avenged himself all over America’s ass. They sing something rocky-country-bluesy off their new album and it’s quite good. Chris gets a ginormous plaque commemorating 5 million in record sales for the first album and it’s handed to him by this year’s Kris, and it’s all very fillery.

Finally, the rest of the results. Adam’s the next into the Top 3. Duh. Then it’s down to Danny and Allison and if you’re me, you think the decision is obvious after Danny screeched out a lung on that last note of Dream On, but no. It’s poor, unpopular, yet talented Allison who is packing her pink hair dye and headed off the show. She gives a final, teary-eyed rendition of Crybaby — seems like it was an appropriate song choice now — and that’s it. Too bad, I thought she might nab second place behind Adam. Because we already know the winner is Adam. Simon told us so, and he’s never been wrong before.

Just ask Chris Daughtry.

Anywho, we’re down to five little Idolators, which means the results show should run about ten minutes. Therefore, it is padded out to an hour with not one, not two, but THREE guest performers! On the plus side, it also means that, even with Jamie Foxx (who is now a yooge music star, didn’t'cha know?) coaching on Show night, we got to see everyone’s complete performance.

Down to bidness:

Last night everyone sang Standards, pretty darn well overall. After we see tape of some totally-not-staged-at-all food fight at the Idol mansion, the wannabes are all called center stage.

Matt sang, “My Funny Valentine” and got a mixed response from Randy and Kara, Paula and Simon. He is told to stand on the right side of the stage.

Danny sang, “Come Rain or Shine” and was terrific. He left the sometimes-spazzy dance moves at home and was rewarded with high praise by Simon. He is sent to the left side of the stage.

Allison sang, “Someone to Watch Over Me” and everyone adored it but Simon, who thought it was too mechanical. Can’t agree there, Simon. She is sent to the left side of the stage with Danny.

Kris sang, “The Way You Look Tonight” and got the “best you’ve done so far” line from Randy. Simon thought it was “wet.” No, I don’t know what that means. He is sent to join Matt on the right.

And…we’re left with Adam, who sang, “Feelin’ Good.” Again, he somehow managed to go so far over the top that he brushed Saturn with the blue-black spikes on his head, yet somehow made it fabulous. He is the yearly victim of the “pick which side you think you belong” scam from Ryan. Now, usually, the Chosen Ones who get this Sophie’s Choice just refuse to join either group (Bo Bice actually sat his ass in the center of the stage and wouldn’t go). Adam leads us to believe he’ll do the same sort of false modesty, I love everyone move, but then actually chooses! Based on last night, he picks Allison and Danny, who are so obviously the Safies it isn’t even funny. Oooo, spectacular! This guy is either maniacally egotistical or achingly honest and self-aware. Don’t know which, don’t care. The looks on the other Idol-wannabes faces when he actually chooses makes this the best bit evah!

And then, it gets even better! Because…hold onto your jock straps, Ryan guides Adam over to the LEFT side of the stage and proclaims that he, Kris, and Matt are the bottom three! OMGWTFBBQ, indeed! Can I possibly use more exclamation points in this recap? Wait and see!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now, the first bit of filler is Natalie Cole. She really good. No exclamation points required.

After the commercial…more filler! This time, it’s Taylor Hicks, renegade Idol winner who (according to tabloids), argued his way right out of his contract and any sort of career success. I still like him and he performs a fun country-esque tune that gets my feet to tappin’. You go, Silver Fox.

Are we getting results yet. No! Because Jamie Foxx has to perform “Blame It.” Horrendously. I mean, I’ve never seen a worse job of lip-synching since Ashley Simpson blundered across the stage on Saturday Night Live. Great googly-moogly.

Finally! Results. Kris is immediately sent back to his Seat of Safety, leaving Matt and OMGADAM! as the Bottom Two. Fortunately, the world corrects itself and Matt is the one sent home. Adam remains to thrill and terrify us yet another week.

So much for that save. It bought Matt, what, two more weeks? Ah, well, next week is rock. I’m picturing Adam singing something from The Darkness. Can you feel the tingle?

It’s Disco Week and Simon’s soul died a little more. Still and all, our Idol wannabes pulled off most of their performances. Also, the show stayed on schedule enough that on performance night, only a little end applause and final farewell by Ryan were cut off. The difference? No guest coach, no filler images of the wannabes practicing and talking about how working with “X” was great. Instead, we actually get to hear from all the judges after each performance. Gee, did the producers — gasp! — actually figure it out?

Results night kicks off with Paul Abdul reminding us that she used to be one of the best choreographers in the biz. She teaches the Final Seven some complicated dance routine to open Results Night and they perform it to Shake Your Body. They’re all wearing 70’s fashion and…well, let’s just say when it comes to the ability to dance, the results are mixed.

Our first casualty of the evening strikes lightning-fast. Lil Rounds, who performed, “I’m Every Woman” to the general disdain of the judges. Lil’s up — over to the Stools of Sadness — and off the show! Wham, bam, so long, ma’am!

Which leaves us all sorts of time to fill up the middle of the show. They do this by having several 70’s icons hobble out on their walkers to croak out their signature songs. Okay, that’s mean. No one actually has a walker.

Back again to what matters, Kris is next up. He sang, “She Works Hard for the Money” and the judges loved it, including Paula who thought calling him a tranny was complimentary. No, really. She yammered something about him shopping for women’s clothes. Simon’s head turned completely upside-down trying to figure that one out. In any case, Kris is safe.

Adam’s turn. You know the drill — Adam sang, “If I Can’t Have You” and made it all slow and romantical and the judges came at the end and he’s safe again.

Danny sang, “September” and the judges all liked his vocals, but Simon added that he’s a total spazz when it comes to performing. Danny says he can do better and he’s gonna get the chance, ’cause he’s safe.

Anoop’s turn. He sang, “Dim All The Lights” really, really slowly. Randy and the Paula’s liked him fine, but Simon said it suckity-sucked. America agreed and he’s off to the danger zone center stage.

Matt, our judge’s save winner from last week, and Allison are up next. Allison sang, “Hot Stuff” and changed it up, too. Randy and the Paulas didn’t love the arrangement although they loved her and Simon thought she was totally brill. Matt sang, “Stayin’ Alive.” The arrangement wasn’t loved by the boy judges and Simon in particular was Most Displeased. You know he didn’t want to save him last week. In any case, Matt’s saved by America and Allison is inexplicably sent to join Anoop in Purgatory.

David Archuletta, who still looks 12, performs one of his new songs. Yeah, I thought he was more talented than that, too.

In the end, it is Anoop Dog who is banished from the stage. Okay, good, all is right with the show again. I have to say, when it comes to who has been sent home when, Season 8’s been much more on target than previous years. Did the Idol producers hunt down and kill all those Vote for the Worst people?

Aw, the poor producers of Idol. Having only been at this for a mere 8 years, they are completely unable to figure out how to keep a show on schedule. How do they attempt to remedy this situation? By only allowing two judges at a time to respond to each contestant’s performance. Not by cutting the fluff, filler, and friggin’ yakking by Seacrest, but by only giving us half the Simon. Yeah, that makes total sense. It only partially worked; we saw all of the performances, but the best part of the night, in which Lil Rounds leapt across the judge’s table and throttled Simon Cowell, was cut off right before his head exploded. More on that bit of awesome later.

The group performance on the results show, I should note, was Maniac from Footloose, in keeping with the Songs from the Movies motif of this week. It was all over the place, and Allison rather hilariously flubbed her solo line. Still, it was more enjoyable than most of the performances the other night — not that folks sang poorly, but they picked the slowest and most boring songs possible. Except for Adam, natch.

Okay, let’s get to it, shall we?

Up first is Allison, who sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” I thought she didn’t sound as good as last week, but Simon called her the Great Girl Hope for winning this thing (considering only she and Lil are left, he might as well have stuck a stake through Lil’s heart) and Paula said she was super. She won’t be missing a thing, ’cause she’s safe.

Then Adam stands up. He is the only one who chose a rockin’ tune, the Steppenwolf version of “Born to be Wild.” People, when I tell you it was at once the most macho and most flaming performance of that song you can imagine, I am understating. It was Most Loved by the judges, although Simon wonderfully compared parts of it to Rocky Horror. Then I drifted off into a fantasy of Adam as Frank ‘n’ Furter (take a moment and picture it). By the time I got back, it was results night, and Adam was born to be safe.

Anoop is up next and that doesn’t bode well. He performed, “Everything I Do, I Do It for You.” Kara called it his best to date and Randy gave him a big thumbs up and, yeah, he sounded fine but it was sooooooo dull. Apparently, America thought so too, and he’s taking the walk of shame to the Stools of Sorrow.

Jennifer Hudson makes an appearance where she got her start and sings a song off her new album that is, um, not all that good. I think she was having trouble hearing, because she kept fidgeting with her earpieces throughout her performance, but the song itself was also awkward.

Back to what matters. Kris rises and so does Lil. Lil still looks ripshit from last night. Kris performed “Falling Slowly,” which Kara loved but Randy deemed “Pitchy.” I thought it was aw’righ, dawg, but what do I know? Lil sang, “The Rose” and confirmed that she cannot sing the low notes. Now, last night, when Simon slammed her for yet again choosing the wrong song and for not being the artist he’d hoped and that’s when Lil snapped. She went off about being an artist and incorporating the influences important to her, and you’re a stupid mofo Brit (okay, not the last, but you could tell she was thinking it). Then the stupid, stupid show cut off and that was all we got of that. She makes no apologies tonight for defending herself, saying she just can’t win with these judges — she’s either karaoke or picking the wrong song. Which is true, but that’s because she makes lousy song choices and cannot sing low. Anyway, America saves Kris from falling off the stage, slowly or otherwise, and Lil stalks off to the Seats of Shame.

Matt and Danny stand next. Matt did, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” and tried to make it all soulful, but only succeeded in making it drag and annoy. Neither Randy nor Kara approved. Danny sang, “Endless Love” with such soul and emotion that it actually made me teary-eyed, but I think that was largely because of knowing his backstory (in case you weren’t paying attention earlier this season, Danny lost his young wife after only a short time together). You could totally tell he was singing it to her. Simon criticized him for doing a straight, and thus kind of boring, version of the song, but also noted that he could tell how tough it was for him to sing something that obviously had so much meaning, and so kudos for that. Paula loved it, period, and tonight, both Kara and Randy agreed he did a great job. Danny’s streak of safety continues and Matt’s back in the Bottom 3 for the umpteenth time. Keep in mind that this is the umpteenth time — it is a foreshadow of Things to Come.

The judges agree this is the right Bottom 3. As the camera pans over them, Lil continues to stare daggers into the camera and it is wicked fun just to watch her rage and seethe.  The immediate rescue of Anoop by Ryan doesn’t do a thing to improve her mood.

It’s Miley!

And we’re back to the Bottom 2. Surpringly, at least to me, Lil is safe and Matt is vanquished.

But wait…there’s more! Because that magical judges save that I was oh, so sure would never be used unless Adam’s butt was on the line got used! To save Matt! Whose been in the Bottom 3 umpteen times! So…why? I mean, I’m sorry, but even Simon said that there was no way he was going to win, so why flush the save down the proverbial crapper? Just so they can inevitably send him and one other person home next week? I shake my head in abject confusion. They must be really confident that Adam’s never going to be endangered. Or they’ve all gotten into Paula’s secret stash. I’m going with the latter.

Next week: Disco, bay-bees!

So, yeah, the idiots-in-charge of Idol were so flummoxed by cutting back to an hour for the performances that they let the stupid filler clips and judges’ yammer run long, thus causing Adam’s amazing performance of one of my favorite songs in the history of ever to be cut off entirely by TiVos/DVRs around the globe.  I even had mine set to record an extra couple of minutes…and still missed it.  Hate. Deep, fierce, hatred.

In any case, the theme this week was songs from the years the contestants were born. Once I finished crying after realizing that the oldest contestant was born the year I started high school (Danny), I paid attention and found the performances to be a mixed bag of good and bad song choices.  Aaaaaaand, here are the results:

First off, Adam graciously thanks Simon for giving him a standing ovation — the first he’s ever given a performer — that we didn’t see (Bitter? Me? Very.). Adam is called to his feet along with Kris and Anoop. Adam finally gets his feedback from Randy and the Paulas, who didn’t even get to comment last night, and they basically say, yeppers, his moving version of “Mad World” was standing O worthy. Adam is safe, because even without seeing him perform, America knows he’s the one who should win this.

Kris sang ”All She Wants to Do is Dance” and generally underwhelmed the judges.  Anoop did “True Colors” and generally wowed the judges. Anoop, illogically, is sent to the center stage as the first of the Bottom Three.  All righty, then.

We take a break for Flo Rida to perform “Right Round” and my 12-year-old dances around to it like a monkey on crack, so I guess it’s a pretty good performance.

Back to the results. Danny sang a groovy version of “Stand By Me” to general acclaim and is all safe and stuff. Then Matt, who sang “Part-Time Lover” really, really well (although the wee silly hat made a reappearance) and was highly, if briefly, praised by the rushed judges, is also safe.  Scott sang, “The Search is Over” while inexplicably playing the electric guitar and reached so high for some of the notes that he dislocated his voice. He’s sent to the Stools of Sorrow with Anoop, and deservedly so.

Allison and Lil are asked to please rise. Allison sang a totally kickass version of, “I Can’t Make You Love Me” that the judges adored and Lil sang a really karaoke version of “What’s Love Got To Do With It” that the judges super-duper hated. Allison is safe and Lil is in the Bottom Three, and all is right with the world with that decision. I mean, Lil even imitated Tina Turner’s weird little high-heel rocking dance that only Tina Turner can do without looking like a total doof. Lil’s got a super voice, but she’d better step it up ten notches if she wants to stick around.

Break time for Kelly Pickler. Wow, from Flo Rida to Kelly “I just fell of the turnip truck onto this stage” Pickler? Bizarre. Kelly and her magically-enhanced bosoms strut around in a wee silver dress and stupidly high heels, singing some country thing. My 12-year-old gets a soda in the kitchen.

Anoop, Lil, and Scott are brought forth for judgement. Lil is sent back to the Couch of Contentment. We learn that only 30K votes separate Anoop and Scott, with the votes going in favor of Anoop. So Scott has to sing for his save. No guitar tonight, which is probably for the best, since he ain’t exactly Mark Knopfler (look it up, children). He sings while the judges pretend to consider. Kara and Paula are on their feet rocking out, and it is clear that they’re doing it to make Scotty feel better and prep him for the big goodbye.

Simon tells Scott that two of them think he should stay and two think he should go. Yeah, not buying it, but nice of Simon to say. Simon pretty much flat-out tell him that they don’t want to blow their one save on him when Adam…excuse me, one of the other talented folks waiting in the wings…might need it another week. The decision is (supposedly) left to Simon and he tells Scott buh-bye.

We get the review of Scott’s time on the show and that evil abomination of “Home Sweet Home.” Paula adds a public service announcement about why Scott’s so awesomely awesome for being on the show and inspiring others with challenges and yeah, yeah, you’re all great humanitarians, we get it, Idol.

And then there were seven.

Let’s jump right into the results fray — after this break to say, why have everyone perform a Journey song and leave out the guy who used to BE in Journey? Does this make any sense to anyone? There’s a sort-of pseudo-Randy playing up on stage, but the real deal is still lounging around with Simon and the Paulas. Why?

Okay, now let’s really get down to bidness:

Ryan, in his endless quest to make results shows as drawn out and convoluted as possible, has the contestants rip each other new ones doing parody versions of each other. Danny’s of Matt G. is downright mean — sort of a goat gargling Coldplay under water. All righty, then.

Megan is called to her feet first, with Matt G. close on her heels, followed by Kris, who was completely awesome last night. They are all sent center stage. But wait, there’s more. Adam, Lil, and Allison are formed into their own trio and sent center stage. Oh, so we’re doing the “groups of three” dance tonight, eh? Scott, Danny, and Anoop are the last group. Judging by the groupings, this is not going to be a simple case of “this group of three  is the bottom,” but rather one from each group will come together to form the true Bottom Three.

But we’re not going to get to specifics anytime soon, because we have to have last year’s winner, David Cook, perform. That’s nice — I liked him then, but feel no need to sit through his latest bid for obscurity.

Fast-forwarding to the stuff we care about, Ryan starts with Kris. Did I mention he was completely awesome last night? He did, “Ain’t No Sunshine” at the piano — I guess he shoved Scott off the bench and stole it — and his arrangement was deemed cooler than Billy Dee Williams by the judges. His best performance to date has left him safe and back on the Couches of Comfort.

Matt G. sang, “You Found Me” and his performance was slapped with the dreaded karaoke label. Ryan tells him to take a seat again and Matt nods and slumps off to the Stools of Sorrow…but April Fool’s, dude, Ryan meant the sofa seat. Ha. A-ha-ha-ha. AH-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

That leaves Megan and, thank the stars and stripes, that means she’s in the Bottom Three. She sang, “Turn Your Lights Down Low” in a boring, indulgent, monotonous and overall horrific manner. Megan tells Simon she loves him but doesn’t give a flying chicken what he thinks. He tells her that isn’t true and this is what we writer-types call foreshadowing, people. Then it gets weird…er. Megan FLIES to her stool, flapping her arms and cawing and proves that Whitney was right: crack is whack, yo. The rest of the Idols watch her insane insanity and laugh that nervous laugh people get when they are watching someone completely lose their shit in a very real and public way. It’s awesome.

Up next is Lil, who sang “I Surrender” and got the generic wedding singer/karaoke/wrong song choice blather from the judges. Doesn’t matter – she’s safe.

Allison sang, “Don’t Speak” and much more attention was paid to her Attack of the Killer Hooker Tomatoes dress than her actual performance, which was basically the same that she always give — kind of Joan Jettish. Apparently, America could not forgive her sartorial sin, and she is the next one in the Bottom Three. She tries to imitate Megan’s Flight of the Mental Defective, but gives it up and just giggles with her by the stools.

Adam busted out, “Play That Funky Music.” He was rocking hard again and Paula compared him to Steven Tyler, Mick Jagger, and threw herself at his feet and demanded he take her right then, right there, on the stage. Okay, the last part was only in my head. And Paula’s. Oh, and Kara told him his performance could have come right out of Studio 57. Really. No, really. Anyway, he’s ridiculously safe.

Now for the final threesome. Danny sang, “What Hurts the Most” and gave Kara goosebumps. Another BFTD (best performance to date) call by the judges. He’s safe. That leaves Scott, who stripped down Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are” and did a really solid job of it. Anoop, on the other hand, sang “Caught Up” and the judges were bored into a coma by the arrangement. Guess which one’s safe. Go on, guess. Yeah, that’s a hard one — Anoop’s off to the Stools of Sorrow.

Did I mention Scott got a new ‘do? He looks really cute without that dandelionesque puff he’s been sporting so far. Cleaned up look, cleaned up performance. Well done, Scotty.

And we’re subjected to a performance by Lady Ga-Ga. She sings something called Poker Face that my 12-year-old recognizes, which is all you need to know about that.

Finally, with ten whole minutes left, Allison is completely predictably sent back to the Sofa of Safety.  Megan grabs Anoop’s arm and puts on a totally manic, phoney face of horror until Ryan tells her to just go the hell home already.

Then, something amazing happens.

Simon tells Megan that since she doesn’t give a shit what the judges think, they give just as much shit about contemplating saving her, which is exactly none. He tells her to just squawk and gyrate and rasp her way through her swan song and wow. Wow! Don’t piss off the Simon, kiddies. Remember, he’s the only judge that actually matters on this whole damned show.

I’ll give Megan this much: her final words are to thank everyone who works on Idol, to wish her fellow contestants well, to thank the audience, and tell her little boy she’s on her way home. Cue abominable music and we watch Megan’s regression from cool, independent, and unique to chicken dancing, crow squawking, mugging wackadoodle. She watches it and cries at her own degeneration. And, with that, we are spared any more of her nonsense and down to the Top 8.