So, what did we think? Briefly — the 90210 season opener was pretty good! — although I’m still disappointed that Silver appears to be just another fembot now. I dunno. I found Melrose a bit slow, but it was great to see all the familiar places and faces. We’ll see how this murder mystery storyline plays out.

I take back everything I’ve said about this 90210 reboot. The season finale was GLORIOUS.

Just to recap:

• Brenda in a Cleopatra costume
• Dead Jim Walsh Fakeout
• Mr. & Mrs. Wilson high on pot brownies
• Annie’s utterly fantastic and brutal meltdown
• Did I mention Brenda in a Cleopatra costume?
• Ethan and Silver? Say what?

The only thing this episode was missing was Lucille Bluth. Oh, and apparently Adrianna had a baby and Naomi’s sister slept with her stupid boyfriend.

So, it’s prom time at West Beverly High. Can I just ask, how many of you had a sophomore prom? I’ve never even heard of a sophomore prom. Why not just call it the Spring Dance like they did on classic 90210?

Anyhoo. Thoughts on this episode:

• Really glad that Silver is back. I was afraid the show had neutered her. Sad that she had to completely wreck Dixon in order to do it. Hasn’t the kid been through enough?
• Since when can kids get arrested for going to a party? Nice try, but this show will never spawn a “DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES,” so stop trying.
• Enjoyed that Eyebrows blamed Annie for her party geeting ruined, though.
• Shocker #1 — Naomi’s sister is a sociopath. I imagine next week she’ll leave her high and dry after having sex with her boyfriend.
• Shocker #2 — Professor Manwhore is a really bad judge of character.
• I laughed a little bit when Kelly Taylor was left standing alone on the red carpet. “I choose me.” YEAH YOU DID.

Seriously. I have nothing to say anymore. For a while there, the show got interesting, and now it’s veered off again into WTF territory. Not one decision from any of the characters on this show makes a lick of sense. And I know I say this every week, but Ryan “Hot for Teacher” Matthews makes me physically ill.

This week on 90210 – Silver goes to school with Ron Howard’s daughter, Naomi is a spoiled brat, Annie makes stupid faces, and Adriana & Navid make a big (i.e. stupid) decision. Also, Mr. Matthews is only in one scene for 20 seconds and still manages to be a creepy pervert.

I was supposed to provide a place for TAR commentary Sunday night because Freakgirl is in New Orleans, probably drunk, most likely buying me a souvenir, but I FORGOT because until just this morning I was chanting “Dr. Pepper Dr. Pepper Dr. Pepper,” and I have no idea why. So SORRY! Comment away, and I’ll spend this time watching last night’s PRV’d episode of 90210, entitled “Between a sign of Dr. Pepper and a Hard Can of Dr. Pepper.”

I’m thirsty.

And Diablo Cody! The writer of Teenage Mommy Girl, as they call it in Japan!

So yep, Donna Martin has returned to old Beverly Hills, presumably to check in on her sister-in-law, Silver. Except Kelly, who has suddenly turned into Nurse Ratched, barely allows them to spend any time together. Oh, and Donna and David have a baby. Named Ruby. RUBY SILVER. Really? We find out that after Now Wear This went bankrupt, Donna became a giant celebrity designer in Japan, where she rides the subway and everything. We also find out that she and David are separated. WHAT? Look, 90210, you do not break up Donna and David. I’m hoping this is much like the episode when Mrs. Walsh came back from Singapore without Jimbo, but by the end of the episode they were back together.

Anyway, Donna dresses Diablo Cody for a red carpet event and we get our typical Donna hijinx.

I’ll ignore the completely pointless storyline of DrunkFace following Bartender Douche all over some Habitat for Humanity resort in the Catskills (or at least that’s what it looked like).

Since it’s Spring Break, Dixon and Annie decide to go on a roadtrip to take in some waterparks. I don’t know. But it really ends up being a trip for Dixon to see his biological mother. I guess all the stuff with Silver made him remember that his mother was sick, not a bad person, and yadda yadda. He chickens out of talking to her and Annie does it for him and it’s all lovely and now we have closure, so we probably won’t have to see another person of color on 90210 again.

Something I ACTUALLY do not want to see on 90210 again? Dr. Pepper. Seriously, people, we get it. Product placement pays the bills. Just — for the love of high fructose corn syrup — TONE IT DOWN.

This week on 90210, we’re reminded that Kelly is still a total bitch.

After last week’s freakout, Silver goes missing. Everyone starts wondering if she’s on drugs, and I feel bad for Silver because it’s COMPLETELY OBVIOUS she’s having a manic-depressive episode. Do these people know so little about her that they think she’s doing meth in the bathroom in between updating her blog? Ugh, whatever. Dixon and Annie’s mom even brings up PCP. PCP? Is it 1977?

Anyhoo, Kelly and Creepy Teacher go to Jackie Taylor’s house to see if she’s seen Silver. I hate that they’ve made Jackie Taylor so drunkenly awful, but she was rather entertaining as she pretended Kelly was her sister. And it gave Kelly the opportunity to remind us that this is all about her. Until Creepy Teacher reminds her that she’s supposed to be Silver’s guardian and she’s been doing a piss-poor job. Meanwhile, Dixon has dismissed Silver as nothing but a drama queen and refuses to even discuss her or look for her.

Silver eventually ends up at the train station, having decided to go to Kansas to learn more about Dixon to make him fall back in love with her. Or something. She goes completely manic as she explains this to some dude at the call board. He later follows her to a bench and lifts her cellphone while she’s sleeping. No, he’s not robbing her. He calls Dixon’s phone and lets the family know that she needs someone to come help her.

Dixon’s dad confronts Silver on the train tracks, who darts in between trains and I guess we’re supposed to think she’s dead. But Dixon knows better…she’s just hiding. He starts talking to her and tells her that his mom suffered from bipolar disorder. He tells her that he understands and that she’ll be fine with some help. And off goes Silver to the hospital. Hopefully they’ll follow up on that next week and not just make her miraculously well again. Poor Silver.

In other news, Adrianna and Navin babysit little Sammy Taylor McKay and I guess we’re going to get some drama around Adrianna deciding whether or not to keep her baby. Yawn. Also, apparently Annie and Naomi are friends again. Double Yawn.

Next week? DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! Also, this episode was directed by Jason Priestley. He did a good job, no?